AJ Papa’s Blog

If you’ve read some of my interviews you’ll notice that one of my signature questions that I ask is, “In the event of the zombie apocalypse, what is your ideal strategy for survival?” In this relative time of peace, it’s a question that provides some fun insight to a person’s personality. But as everyone knows, zombies or robots — whatever comes first — will eventually inherit the Earth; it is extremely important that you have a game plan when it happens. I, myself, have never gone on record on how I would survive the zombie masses, and since I am an altruistic person who cares about the survival of the human race, I will share with you my strategy for survival.

First, a few assumptions: the zombie outbreak will most likely affect the majority of the population with only about less than 1% of who will have immunity, meaning survivors will be far and few between. Also, those that are affected will suffer symptoms of two mutually exclusive kinds: zombies will either be slow and mindless or extremely mobile and ravenous; in any case, it is important to plan for both kinds.

In order to deal with any kind of zombie, you are going to need to arm yourself, preferably a melee weapon along with a firearm. Contrary to popular belief, a flamethrower is not effective against zombies. Zombies no longer feel pain, so using a flamethrower will only succeed in creating not only flesh rotting zombies who want to eat your brain, but now flaming zombies who want to eat your brain. What you’re going to need is a firearm with stopping power with a wide angle of shot. Ask any gamer what that weapon is, and they will tell you it’s the “Boom Stick” aka the shotgun. It is the perfect weapon that doesn’t require much marksmanship and perfect for dealing with zombies that tend to attack in hordes.

Next, you’re going to want to try to meet up with at least another survivor. Dealing with the downfall of humanity alone is quite taxing on a person’s psyche. With less than 1% of the human race able to resist the viral infection, be prepared to meet up with that one person you swore you’d hate for the rest of your life but now must work together with to survive. On the flip side, be prepared to shoot that person you had a crush on who, due to unfortunate genetics and circumstance, is now a zombie. It’s cliche I know but also probable. With all that being said, limit yourself to only traveling in pairs. As my elite video game training has taught me, when you mix untrained civilians; guns; zombies that come from all directions; and panic, you get the perfect recipe for crossfire and friendly fire.

It is proven through classical zombie films and video games that the mall use to be the ideal place to wait out the zombie apocalypse; it had everything you needed: food, shelter, and lingerie. Unfortunately, America’s malls have become nothing more than a cesspool of competing brand name clothing, so unless you want to die wearing the latest Abrecrombie fashion, I wouldn’t recommend heading to your nearest mall. Instead I recommend that you make the arduous journey towards Cheyenne Mountain. Not only does Cheyenne Mountain have facilities built by the government to withstand nuclear attacks, it also houses the Stargate program, a transgalactic gate system for traveling to distant worlds light years away. So as zombies slowly eradicate the remaining survivors, it is your duty to dial the gate and continue the human race on another planet.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 4th, 2009 at 12:50 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.